5 things to NEVER say to someone struggling to have a baby.
Life is definitely not easy. We each have our own battles that we fight daily, and some are a lot harder than others. I think that it is important for me to share some of those battles with you. Lots of bloggers, well most people in general make their lives to be perceived that everything is always bright colors and pure bliss. I think it makes people feel as if they are alone in their battles. That no one else has battles and there must be something wrong with them for having those battles. EVERYONE has battles. Battles can be anything from not being able to pay your bills to what mine currently is, wanting a baby. No one is to say that one persons battle is easier or harder than someone else’s. Everyone handles their battles differently.
Zach and I have been trying to start our little family for about a year and a half. This is one of the longest battles that I have had to fight. Some days are by far harder than others. The questions get old, people announcing that they are adding to their families gets hurtful even though I know that they didn’t get pregnant to rub it in my face. It’s not like I want people to stop living their lives and building their families until I get to start mine, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less. Questions often fly through my mind, why do they get another child when I only want one? What makes them a better family to bring a baby into than mine? When will my time come? Will I not be a good mom and that’s why I can’t get pregnant? These questions constantly run through my head and I question myself quite frequently.
One thing that truly makes this battle for me even harder are the following phrases that I get told/asked quite often:
1. Your time will come, you just have to be patient. DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THIS??? Do you think that you telling me this is something that I haven’t heard before??
2. Heavenly Father has a plan for you and the time just isn’t right yet. I also know this!! I know that there is a plan for me and that I can’t rush that plan, but it doesn’t make the waiting game any easier!
3. Oh you are so lucky you don’t have kids yet, your life gets ran by them when you do have them! Enjoy it while you can. REALLY??? Let’s just not even go there okay!
4. Doesn’t it upset you when you see others starting their families or having another baby? YES! Isn’t that obvious?? It hurts to talk about it most days even though I put up a strong front. It never gets easier, it only gets harder.
5. It will happen when you are least expecting it! [or] It will happen when you aren’t stressed anymore about it. Have you ever wanted something SO bad that you would give absolutely anything to have it? It’s all you think about? Well thats a baby to me. It’s all I think about or strive for. You can’t turn the stress off, it is always there. So please don’t tell me to stop stressing about it.
Please be careful and try your hardest to NEVER say the listed above to someone struggling to have a child. Whether it’s the first child or their 3rd that they are wanting so badly, it doesn’t get easier. I know it’s hard to know what to say to someone who is going through infertility, and these are usually natural responses, but just tell them you are thinking about them, or that it must be hard. You will never ever understand the heartache and pain that goes through infertility or miscarriages until you have gone through it yourself. Please pin this for future reference to save the hearts and tears of those going through this hard battle.
I just want you to know I know how you feel. I dealt with infertility for over 2 years with my husband and after allot of money, allot of tears and allot of doctors appointments, I got pregnant. It was the hardest thing I Have ever gone through in my life and your right people usually say the wrong thing. I remember sitting at a restaurant and hearing a baby cry and we had to leave because I just lost it. It takes a big heart and great marriage to sustain the desire to build your family no matter how you do it. After having my daughter and deciding we would never go through that again we were content with just one child. I was preparing to have a hysterectomy when they discovered I was pregnant again, all on my own with no help whatsoever. You can imagine my shock, as I was told I could never get pregnant on my own without medical intervention. you know people still said to me, “see told you if you just would have waited you would have gotten pregnant on your own” are you kidding me…Its shocking what comes out of peoples mouths. I wish you good luck and am thinking of you!
I completely agree. You hit a point where you will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to have that piece of your family that is missing. I agree people need to think before they speak a lot more than they do. Good luck with your 2 sweet kiddos! I am so happy for you!
XO
I love that you aren’t afraid to talk about this. I’m dealing with the same thing and it’s refreshing to know that I’m not alone. One of the biggest things I hate is hearing people complain about how hard pregnancy is. especially family/friends when they know how much i want a baby. i have lost a few friends over this and am not close to one of my sister in laws anymore because she had a ‘surprise’ pregnancy and always complained to me about it. i would gladly accept your morning sickness and stretch marks! just shut up and be GRATEFUL for what you have.
I think that it is a taboo topic so people often feel so alone. It is so hard, but that doesn’t mean that you should have to go through it alone. I am always here if you need anything!! Good luck to you dear!! Keep me updated!
XO
Sorry you are going through this. I tried for two years to have my daughter and also had several miscarriages as well. i know what you are going through. thinking of you, sweet dani!
Thank you so much sweet girl! Thinking of you!! Keep me updated dear!
XO
i’m right there with you. I’m trying really hard to be happy for all of the expectant mothers i know, which is basically everyone i know, and it sucks. i don’t want to deny them their joy, but it’s so hard. my heart goes out to you and i’m praying you get your baby soon. I hope we can be pregnant together!
I completely agree! You don’t hate the person, you just hate the situation that it puts you in. I agree! Let’s have our sweet little ones at the same time!! Good luck girl! Keep me posted!
XO
I was once the one who I felt women hated because I was able to get pregnant with my three daughters so easily. Once we had our third daughter we knew we wanted a fourth (try once more for that “boy”) I had many complications and found out I have endometriosis. I then understood exactly how it felt in other womens shoes what it felt like knowing my percentage to conceive and miscarry. it came down to the severity of my endo was to get rid of my girly parts or suck it up and deal with it. So where I am getting at is, I love this post! Being that I have been on both end of the spectrum I totally get it sometimes others dont understand!
Kaitlyn
I bet it is a very interesting thing to be on both sides of the spectrum! So happy for you that you have 3 sweet little girls and I hope your sweet little boy is on his way down soon! Keep me updated girl!
XO
Thank you for this. We have been trying for baby number 3 for a little over five years now, and what I would like to add is that if you know someone who’s having this difficulty, stop asking them if they are pregnant yet! I am so tired of being asked, and constantly having to answer “no”. Please stop asking, obviously they will tell you when they do get pregnant and in their own timing.
I completely agree! Replying no over and over just makes it harder!! Good luck sweet girl! Keep me updated!
XO
thank you for posting this. i think it’s important for people never to ask anyone, “so, are you planning to get pregnant?” “When are you going to have kids?” “you guys just need to have kids.” how do you know that person isn’t struggling to do all of those things, and you’re just pouring salt in the wound? you don’t. so, it’s better to find other topics for discussion.
I completely agree. Those questions to me are very personal questions that I would never dream of asking someone.
XO
As a mother of 2 boys (1 through adoption) I’ve had many people say “Why aren’t you just happy with the two that you have”. my jaw literally hits the floor. I think sometimes they don’t understand that it can be a hurtful statement. I see their trying to “help” but it isn’t. Daniel came up with the best come back. He said “our desire for another child doesn’t mean we don’t love and cherish the two children we have. It means that we know there is another special spirit in heaven waiting to get to our family.” secondary infertility/fertility problems suck too. I’m so sorry you have having to go through this trial. I totally wish i could take it from you, if that was possible. it is not easy but support from family and friends can be helpful. we love you both. You can continually in our thoughts and prayers.
I applaud you for standing up and saying “this is not ok!” i CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES THOSE COMMENTS WERE SAID TO ME AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SCREAM BACK IN THEIR FACE “ACTUALLY WE NATURALLY CAN’T HAVE A BABY SO PLEASE JUST STOP!!” OUR INFERTILITY JOURNEY HAS BEEN TOUGH AS WELL. AFTER EVERY DIAGNOSIS, MISCARRIAGE, AND FAILED SURGERIES, I REALLY STRUGGLED WITH TRUSTING GOD’S PLAN, BUT HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING BECAUSE I AM 18 WEEKS PREGNANT WITH OUR FIRST. NO, WE DIDN’T GET PREGNANT THE OLE FASHION WAY, AND YES MY BABY WAS CONCEIVED IN A PETRI DISH, BUT I DON’T CARE! INFERTILITY HAS BECOME OUR NEW NORMAL AND I’M OK WITH IT BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T SOMETHING MY HUSBAND AND I EXPECTED, IT HAS MADE US SO MUCH MORE GRATEFUL FOR THIS LITTLE LIFE GROWING AND KICKING INSIDE ME. AT FIRST I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY GOD WOULD PUT US THROUGH A JOURNEY LIKE THIS, BUT GOD SLOWLY SHOWED ME THAT HE PUT US THROUGH THIS TO ALLOW ME TO COMFORT OTHERS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH IT AS WELL. I’VE BEEN THERE AND UNDERSTAND THE HEARTACHE FROM THOSE NEGATIVE TESTS. I HOPE THIS COMMENT ENCOURAGES YOU TO CONTINUE PUSHING FORWARD BECAUSE YOUR DAY WILL COME. I CAN’T WAIT TO REJOICE AND CRY FOR YOU WHEN YOU SHARE YOUR NEWS!
Hi Ashley! So exciting for you to have a sweet baby! I think people don’t realize that what they are saying can be so hurtful or I don’t think people would say it as much as they do. I just hope writing this post will save someones heart from being hurt at least once! I am so happy for you Ashley!! Keep me updated!
XO
dani
You know you have all my love and support. The questions you ask yourself are verbatim what I asked myself. Especially the one about not being a good mom. There is nothing easy about infertility. Hugs friend!
I Know how You feel. My husband and i are on oUr 15 month and it’s killing me. We went to tHe Fertility specialists and got miNimal answers and have to do a bunch pf tests since nothing stands out.
I Know people just want to comfort and make me feel better But they just dont understand and when they say things like what you wrote it just hUrts moRe. Its hard being positive all the time.
So what do you say?
Christian, try “I’m sorry you’re struggling, that must really be hard. would you like to talk about it?” then just listen.
we struggled for a long time to get our first child, i heard all of those phrases as well. people mean well but they don’t understand unless they’ve been there that those words are putting the “blame’ on us instead of helping. like, if i just stopped trying or wishing or hoping, a baby would magically appear in my womb. haha.
i hope your journey ends with a happy ending, one that makes you say all this heartache was worth it. lots of love.