FEELING DEFEATED AS A MOM.
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Wednesday afternoon daddy packed up and went on his annual hunting trip with his brothers and dad. Mama was nervous for him to go because first, you have been so hard lately, having daddy walk through the door after work is mom’s sanity because she has ran out of patience for the day. Second, we are still staying with family while we are building our home and I don’t feel comfortable invading other peoples space and we stayed with Grandma because I knew I needed some extra hands with you. The rest of Wednesday went okay, until you learned to climb out of the crib and we kept putting you back as you would scream and scream. It broke my mom heart and my patience was running thin. Bedtime finally came Wednesday night and you cried all night for daddy. I couldn’t console you and so we cried in bed together for a few hours…
Thursday started and we had a park date with friends. Mom drove to the park with you screaming in the back the whole time. We made it to the park only 5 minutes late and I was feeling good. Things felt good and we sat and waited for our friends. We waited for a half hour with no luck. Tears welled in my eyes again as we drove around not wanting to go home because you are so much easier when you are buckled in the car seat. We finally drove home where you fought a nap with your stubborn littler personality. Grandma ended up driving you around in the car that night because you were so hard at home that we just needed you buckled and contained for a little while.
Friday came and I prayed that morning for a smoother day. That there would be naps, giggles, snuggles, and loves. The morning was okay, there were a few battles of you hitting me and pulling my hair. I laid you down for your morning nap and worked while you slept. You woke up and had put your hands in your poopy diaper and wiped poop all over yourself. I tried to laugh it off as I put you in the bath. I tried to call daddy to have someone make me feel better about the situation and his phone was off. I got you dressed and we headed to go get lunch and to go meet grandma. While I was getting off the freeway, you choked, I tried my best to help you as I was driving and trying to pull over. You gagged the piece of apple up yourself and we kept on our way a little bit shaken. Just down the road you started to cough again, and ended up throwing up all over moms car. With tears in my eyes and feeling so defeated we turned around, headed back to grandma’s and took another bath. I tried to clean the car as quick as I could after I bathed you, but it still had that harsh puke smell to it… We drove and tried to laugh it off, but I sat there feeling defeated. Grandpa came home from his work trip in the afternoon and took you outside to play basketball and to go see the horses. Grandma and I needed this break more than anything else…The rest of the night was okay, but I still was feeling so defeated. I layed in bed praying that we would make it through this stage that you are in.
Saturday was supposed to be my saving grace, the day daddy came home. We played in the morning and fought a nap yet again with climbing out of the crib, hitting mom, and both of us in tears. Daddy came home just long enough to get dressed to go to Priesthood Session of LDS General Conference. He headed out and we were going to go to dinner with grandma and grandpa. Grandpa was watching you while grandma and I were changing a blow out of Matt’s. We went outside to get you and you had got ahold of the gasoline can and were trying to put it in the lawn mower like you watch everyone else do. This was the last straw for me. I loaded you in the car, and we drove, drove, and drove some more. I felt defeated, like a terrible mom, I had no patience left. I cried and cried as I drove around, wondering why I couldn’t be a better mom to you, why I had failed you and why are you so hard? Where have I gone wrong? What can I do differently?
I still don’t have the answer to what I can do differently, but I do know that I can change my attitude and the way that I look at things. I can do my best and that is all, and it is enough. You are stubborn, a stinker, and the biggest love of my life. You test me, but without that, I wouldn’t learn and grow as much as I do from you. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I am changing my outlook, that doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days, because I can promise there still will be, even hard weeks.
“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives, and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”
-Russell M. Nelson