Yesterday was rough, probably one of the hardest days of my life… Okay so to start at the beginning… Me and my sweet husband have been trying to have a baby for 11 months now. We started trying and just figured it would take us longer than we expected. But still nothing after 2-3 months of trying, which isn’t that long. Zach started to get really tired when he would get home from work. He would take around 2 hour naps when he got home from work and was dragging at all the time. He decided to take himself into the clinic at work and see what was up. They tested his blood and found out that he has low testosterone (low T as we call it at our house). The doctor then referred him to a urologist to get treated. The urologist put him on some medication to bring up his T and to help with his symptoms (tiredness, etc.). Now at this time we had been trying to get pregnant for about 7-8 months and started to feel a little defeated, okay a lot defeated and knew we really needed to rely on our Heavenly Father and his timing. The more people talked about being pregnant or how it was a surprise baby and they weren’t so thrilled about it, hurt me. It was so hard to try to be happy for them when I was hurting so much inside. I tried so hard to push what I was feeling aside and to be happy for them, but I would always think, they don’t know how hard it is for us to have a baby, I wish they knew how lucky they are, or could you stop complaining about your kid!? We would do anything to have our own!
After trying for 11 months and Zach getting his T fixed, we finally got that sweet positive sign on the pee stick. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We were so excited to finally have our own sweet baby. I called Zach at work to tell him because I just couldn’t stand to wait until he got home. He tried to quietly say how excited he was because he was working and didn’t want to cause a scene. The amazing guy then brought me home a 1/2 dozen cupcakes to say happy pregnancy!
I wasn’t sick at all and I am so grateful for that. I was just exhausted. I would work then take a 2-3 hour nap and still be ready for bed by 9. I was also making a lot of bathroom trips. 🙂 (not minding because I was SO excited to have my own sweet baby finally!)
Week 6 day 2
I was babysitting my darling neighbor girl, me and my mom and the cute little girl went to run some errands, when we came back to my house to drop off my groceries, I ran to the bathroom real quick. That’s when it all started. I had started bleeding, not much, just some light spotting. I hadn’t told my mom that I was pregnant yet. I wanted to do something fun and exciting to let her know the great news, but I was terribly upset that I had started bleeding and went out crying and told her everything that was going on. She reassured me spotting was normal and that, that’s probably all it was. I bled a little bit more, then it stopped. We went out to lunch, then returned to her house where matters took a turn for the worst. I went to the bathroom again where I was heavily bleeding. I came out bawling and we decided it was time to call the doctor. I called the doctor that I had an appointment with in 2 weeks and they said they wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t a patient yet there so I would have to go to the ER where I did not want to go. I called my OBGYN who I saw before I got married and she wasn’t in. I explained my circumstances and asked if anyone could see me. They asked my insurance provider and then proceeded to tell me that they didn’t take it, and couldn’t help me and to go to the ER. Me and my amazing mom spent almost 2 hours trying to find someone to see me without going to the ER. Finally we called the clinic of my OBGYN before I got married back (my mom looked up the provider list and my old doctor was on there along with one other one) they said neither of those doctors were in, but to come up and they would figure it out for me. THANK GOODNESS! What a blessing. I called Zach and he met me up there. We saw an amazing doctor that is the greatest blessing of this day. She explained to me that I may or may not be loosing my baby and to think positive. She drew some blood and took me into ultrasound where she determined that there was a 90% chance that I was having a miscarriage. Zach and I broke down. To hear that we were losing our sweet baby that we had waited so long to finally have was the ultimate heart break. She told me she would love to be proven wrong and that I needed to get another ultrasound somewhere else in the morning to truly determine 100% if my sweet baby was still there. Zach and I knew we had lost our baby right then and there.
This is by far one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. To want something for so long and have it given to you to just have it taken away is devastating. We are clinging close to our Heavenly Father at this time and relying on our trust to him and his timing. We know we will have our sweet spirits with us one day, it’s just a matter of time. I just ask that for awhile you respect our privacy, you can feel free to email me or text me with thoughts or concerns, but please don’t bring it up when you see Zach or I. It is a lot easier for us to cry at home on our pillows than to cry when we talk to someone. We thank each one of you for your love and support. Hug your sweet little ones a little tighter today knowing they are with you. Give them each a hug for both of us, because we would do anything to have our own.
I am so grateful and blessed to have an amazing husband who will stand by my side through this time and amazing family support. This would be a lot more trying without my sweet husband. I love you Zach. We will get through this.
I am going to take my time to heal from this… If posts are scarce I apologize, but will post when I am feeling up to it and ready. Thank you!
Melanie Riordan says
Thoughts and Prayers for you and your husband.
I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. Cynthia
Sorry hun. Hang tight. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’ve been there.
Jessica Prestwich says
Sometimes life can really suck. I’m so sorry.
Prayers definitely go out to you and your husband, best of luck <3
Lix Hewett says
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. <3
Pamela Baker says
I am so sorry! Praying!!
Eryka Ann Clark says
Dani I love you and am here for you. Hang in there sweet girl! ♥
Amber Anna says
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Good thoughts your way!
Ana Paula says
I am so sorry! I tried for years to get pregnant and I know that feeling; but I don’t and cannot even imagine what a miscarriage must feel like. Continue to rely on our Heavenly Father and you will receive the comfort and peace you seek. Even though I don’t know you, I’m sending you hugs and I’ll have you in my prayers.
Amanda Schroeder says
Dani I am so sorry. This exact thing happened to my sister. It was really really hard for them to get pregnant and when they finally did, this happened. But try and think of it like this…You got pregnant. So now you know you can get pregnant. Also, the hospital told my sister that 75% of women have AT LEAST one miscarriage. That shocked me. I know this is not easy for you to handle but I will keep you in my prayers. You are an amazing woman and will get through this.
So sorry for your loss! My first was a miscarriage. My second was a stillborn. My third was my miracle rainbow baby! HUGS TO YOU!!!
Maddee shaw says
Sorry to hear this!! Your in my thoughts!
Carly Anderson says
Oh my friend, I’ve been there! Before getting pregnant this time, I had a miscarriage too after longer than I would have liked with trying to get pregnant. Take the time you need, and allow yourself to grieve. It’s a loss, and a devastating one. Please know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers…..and if you need a listening ear email me!
kaitlyn hoffman says
So sorry to hear about your loss. I feel where your heart is. For once when I had ran to the bathroom and only to find a “heavy” flow. I will never forget that moment screaming to my husband something is terribly wrong. But God has a plan for us wether it makes sense or not. Sometimes these tender moments can either draw is near or far from our father. I pray it draws your even closer. I will keep you in my prayers!
I’m so sorry for your loss!! God will bless you guys again! Praying!!
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Take time to heal.
Jenny Patton says
I am so sorry sweet friend. I will be praying for you. I know weve never met but I just want you to know I am thinking of you and you are an inspiration to many
Janelle Reeves says
Praying for you, sweet girl. Take the time you need and know that you will be blessed after this hard trial!
Bridget Heiple Reich says
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Stay strong. You are in my thought and prayers.
Jana Tolman says
I’m so sorry. You and your husband will be in my prayers. I can’t even pretend to know the hurt you are feeling right now, but I do know Heavenly Father loves you both so much and has an incredible plan for you and your family. Hugs.
So, so sorry for your loss. Not enough words but I am very sorry.
Porsche Perry Christensen says
I am so, so sorry that you had to experience this. I had two miscarriages before we even had a baby. We wanted a baby so badly, and were devastated when both miscarriages occurred (in the same year, too). If I could offer any advice, I would say that this baby that you lost deserves to be mourned, and YOU deserve to go through the grief cycle. I had some people tell me that i needed to “get over it, suck it up, move on.” I didn’t allow myself to grieve. 6 months after the fact, I broke down and couldn’t function well. It is natural and the right thing to grieve this little life, even the “idea” of the baby. <3
Oh Dani, my heart is aching for you. I am so very very sorry. I’m thinking about you!
Abbigayle Rashae says
This made me cry.
I’m so terribly sorry Dani!
I hope when I get married, I never have to go through a trial like this…I would not be able to handle it. You are so strong!
I hope things start looking up for you.
-XO Abbigayle Rashae
McKenzie Guymon says
I love you Dani! Please, please call me if you need ANYTHING! You are amazing. I am so impressed with your faith and strength through all of this. You are a daughter of Heavenly Father and he will bless you for being so faithful. Love you!
Kirstie Semler says
I don’t know you personally, but I am so sorry that this happened… I don’t know what your going through but by reading this you guys both sound so spiritually strong 🙂 Our prayers will be with you. Get some rest!
I’m so so sorry to hear about this ): I hope things start to look up. My heart goes out to you and your sweet husband.
Sara Strauss says
Dani, this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. I can tell that you’re strong because you’re able to write about it and tell others.
Never met you; I just follow your fashion. Your story made me cry for you. Hugs from a stranger. Bless you and your husband.
Elise M. says
Even though I’ve never met you, I feel for you right now. I’m so sorry that you and your husband are going through this right now. My husband and I are definitely praying for you both!
prayers + hugs. <3
Erin @ The Grass Skirt Blog says
I am so so so sorry. I don’t even know what to say other than I am praying for you, thinking of you, and sending you great big hugs.
The Grass Skirt
Ana Paula Souza says
I’m so sorry for your loss Dani. I know how hard it is to want something and not get it at the time. It’s definentely hard to understand heavenly fathers timing sometimes. We tried for 2 years so when we found out we were expecting we could not believe it. I’m sure there are babies in heaven just waiting to join your family soon. Praying for you and your husband!!
Lauren O'Neill says
Dani, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Feel free to take all the time you need, take a few weeks off to heal and spend time with your husband. It saddens me to read this post because you are one of the happiest bloggers out there!
You’ve got a whole community wishing you and your husband well.
Exploring My Style
Lauren Lambert says
I’m so sorry! Just know that your sweet baby is in Heaven and you will meet him/her one day! Thank you for sharing your burden with us, that’s what friends are for, to help bear our burdens! I just prayed for God to comfort you and your husband. I know God will bless you!
Lauren from Modern Modesty
Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I had 2 miscarriages at 11 weeks. I can’t say I understand your heartbreak completely (each heart is different), but I can sympathize, a lot. It’s a very difficult thing to go through. My hubs and I went through a lot of heartache. I will be thinking and praying for you. Know that you will get through it. Sending a lot of love your way! XO
Shakey Chica says
My dear dear Dani and Zach. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart breaks for you. We love you.
Jody Baird says
Dani! I am seriously so sorry to hear this. I myself have had a miscarriage as well. I was 12 weeks along and that heartbroken feeling never goes away. I still feel sad everyday and wonder what my sweet baby would’ve been like. It’s so hard, and my heart is literally aching for you. Just know you have people who understand what you’re going through, and I’m always here if you ever want to talk! We live so close, we should get together sometime! Stay positive girly! Your time will come, and it will be a moment that will never be taken for granted.
Kelly Lamborn says
I’m so sorry!! My two best friends each lost a sweet baby about 2 months apart and it was heartbreaking. Hang in there!
New follower coming from the bloghop.
My heart goes out to you Dani. We are thinking about you and your little family. I’m so sorry.
Rachael Stone says
I’m thinking of you and praying for you, Dani. Have faith in His timing. Love you!
Sadie Sabin says
Dani! I love you to the moon and back!! You are an amazing person! Always remember that!! Stay strong!! XOXO
Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. My husband and I have been trying for 5 months and no luck. I’ll pray that you will have that bundle in your tummy soon. HUGS!
Whit @ a touch of yellow says
I love you girl please please please know you can talk to me or hang out with me anytime. You are a beautiful person inside and out and God will bless you.