Yesterday was rough, probably one of the hardest days of my life… Okay so to start at the beginning… Me and my sweet husband have been trying to have a baby for 11 months now. We started trying and just figured it would take us longer than we expected. But still nothing after 2-3 months of trying, which isn’t that long. Zach started to get really tired when he would get home from work. He would take around 2 hour naps when he got home from work and was dragging at all the time. He decided to take himself into the clinic at work and see what was up. They tested his blood and found out that he has low testosterone (low T as we call it at our house). The doctor then referred him to a urologist to get treated. The urologist put him on some medication to bring up his T and to help with his symptoms (tiredness, etc.). Now at this time we had been trying to get pregnant for about 7-8 months and started to feel a little defeated, okay a lot defeated and knew we really needed to rely on our Heavenly Father and his timing. The more people talked about being pregnant or how it was a surprise baby and they weren’t so thrilled about it, hurt me. It was so hard to try to be happy for them when I was hurting so much inside. I tried so hard to push what I was feeling aside and to be happy for them, but I would always think, they don’t know how hard it is for us to have a baby, I wish they knew how lucky they are, or could you stop complaining about your kid!? We would do anything to have our own!
After trying for 11 months and Zach getting his T fixed, we finally got that sweet positive sign on the pee stick. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We were so excited to finally have our own sweet baby. I called Zach at work to tell him because I just couldn’t stand to wait until he got home. He tried to quietly say how excited he was because he was working and didn’t want to cause a scene. The amazing guy then brought me home a 1/2 dozen cupcakes to say happy pregnancy!
I wasn’t sick at all and I am so grateful for that. I was just exhausted. I would work then take a 2-3 hour nap and still be ready for bed by 9. I was also making a lot of bathroom trips. 🙂 (not minding because I was SO excited to have my own sweet baby finally!)
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Week 6 day 2
I was babysitting my darling neighbor girl, me and my mom and the cute little girl went to run some errands, when we came back to my house to drop off my groceries, I ran to the bathroom real quick. That’s when it all started. I had started bleeding, not much, just some light spotting. I hadn’t told my mom that I was pregnant yet. I wanted to do something fun and exciting to let her know the great news, but I was terribly upset that I had started bleeding and went out crying and told her everything that was going on. She reassured me spotting was normal and that, that’s probably all it was. I bled a little bit more, then it stopped. We went out to lunch, then returned to her house where matters took a turn for the worst. I went to the bathroom again where I was heavily bleeding. I came out bawling and we decided it was time to call the doctor. I called the doctor that I had an appointment with in 2 weeks and they said they wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t a patient yet there so I would have to go to the ER where I did not want to go. I called my OBGYN who I saw before I got married and she wasn’t in. I explained my circumstances and asked if anyone could see me. They asked my insurance provider and then proceeded to tell me that they didn’t take it, and couldn’t help me and to go to the ER. Me and my amazing mom spent almost 2 hours trying to find someone to see me without going to the ER. Finally we called the clinic of my OBGYN before I got married back (my mom looked up the provider list and my old doctor was on there along with one other one) they said neither of those doctors were in, but to come up and they would figure it out for me. THANK GOODNESS! What a blessing. I called Zach and he met me up there. We saw an amazing doctor that is the greatest blessing of this day. She explained to me that I may or may not be loosing my baby and to think positive. She drew some blood and took me into ultrasound where she determined that there was a 90% chance that I was having a miscarriage. Zach and I broke down. To hear that we were losing our sweet baby that we had waited so long to finally have was the ultimate heart break. She told me she would love to be proven wrong and that I needed to get another ultrasound somewhere else in the morning to truly determine 100% if my sweet baby was still there. Zach and I knew we had lost our baby right then and there.
This is by far one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. To want something for so long and have it given to you to just have it taken away is devastating. We are clinging close to our Heavenly Father at this time and relying on our trust to him and his timing. We know we will have our sweet spirits with us one day, it’s just a matter of time. I just ask that for awhile you respect our privacy, you can feel free to email me or text me with thoughts or concerns, but please don’t bring it up when you see Zach or I. It is a lot easier for us to cry at home on our pillows than to cry when we talk to someone. We thank each one of you for your love and support. Hug your sweet little ones a little tighter today knowing they are with you. Give them each a hug for both of us, because we would do anything to have our own.
I am so grateful and blessed to have an amazing husband who will stand by my side through this time and amazing family support. This would be a lot more trying without my sweet husband. I love you Zach. We will get through this.
I am going to take my time to heal from this… If posts are scarce I apologize, but will post when I am feeling up to it and ready. Thank you!