January 13, 2017

I’ve Been in A Bad Place

This post is going to be really vulnerable, honestly I have been scared to talk about it, but it might just might help someone out there to know they aren’t alone so I feel like I need to share. I’ve been in a bad place recently. Life as a mom has been really really hard for me lately. We have been living with my in laws while we are building our home. We are so grateful for them for opening up their home to us while we go through the process of building. It has been really hard loosing my own space, being in two smaller bedrooms from what our townhome was, and not having all of our things (most of our stuff is in storage). If I want something that is in storage (like our blender), I search for hours on end through boxes and can never find it. Then I end up spending the money to buy a new one because it is lost in storage land. Where we are in a smaller place which is totally fine, we just have more stuff than fits here which leaves it’s constantly a mess because things don’t have places to be put away in. This leaves me feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and like I am constantly a mess. 

Our house has the foundation and footings all in and done and the cement for our basement is poured. However, it was supposed to have been framed starting 3 weeks ago and the awful weather has really put them behind so they haven’t started that yet. This is frustrating because it is all so far out of my control and I just want to have my own space back. Does that make me not grateful that we are building? NO, it is okay to be grateful and frustrated at the same time. I am so afraid that we aren’t really going to move in when we are supposed to and I am going to get my hopes up. You should see my countdown on my phone, I can’t even hardly wait for the day that I have my own home and my space back.

King has been harder than ever and I am on defense all day long. Don’t go upstairs, don’t touch nana’s pictures, don’t pour your milk on nana’s carpet, don’t hang from nana’s blinds, don’t throw things at the windows, you get the picture. It is one thing if he breaks things that are ours, but breaking and ruining the things of the people who opened up their home to us isn’t okay to me. I can’t leave him for 2 seconds to even put his laundry away or go to the bathroom (I have to lock him in there with me) because he is breaking something or into something. I went to put his milk in the sink the other day and he literally unloaded an entire new container of wipes and had pen writing all over my keyboard in that short amount of time. Him watching a show? Oh that’s nonexistent he won’t even play with something for longer than a minute because he needs to be getting into things or breaking them. I used to be able to let him play and break things in our living room when we had our own home because, well, it was ours. That is gone. I am constantly crying, in a bad place, wanting someone to take him for awhile, and drained.

I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted. When I tell him no, he hits me, kicks me, or throws things at me. Quite honestly most days I am pretty sure he hates me. It is a fight to get dressed, change his diaper, or even get him to drink water or milk. He doesn’t want anything to do with me all day until daddy comes home and then he is this angel I have never seen before, only wants me and is super clingy when I just want to walk away and have a break for a second. A break though? Oh that isn’t there either. I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off as soon as Zach walks in the door trying to get all the blogging work done that I haven’t been able to do all day because he wouldn’t nap and I have deadlines to meet.

It is hard to be a mom, so hard. 

I don’t think that people understand it until you are in it and you don’t understand a really hard kid unless you have one. People at the grocery store glare at me because he is standing up in the basket of the cart, little do they know that it was a 20 minute fight of him hitting me, kicking me, and screaming to even get him to get in the cart. Trust me, I love him so much. I don’t know what I would do without him, but that doesn’t make being his mom any easier some days. 

Why is it that they can so quickly make you remember how much you love them? They have had you frustrated, in tears, and exhausted all day. Then, THEN they come over, grab your hand and ask you to play. Everything they did all day is instantly gone for a minute. I like to think it’s because this motherhood thing is hard, and we need that little bit of light to be able to keep going on somedays. Life is hard. Nothing is ever perfect and isn’t ever going to be. Things right now for me personally are really hard and our situation that I am so beyond grateful for makes things harder which again, doesn’t make me not grateful for it. 

I text Zach the other day and told him “I’m in a really bad place emotionally and mentally. I need you more now than ever.” Am I embarrassed by this? For a second yes, but then I thought, as moms I think we all get to this point sometimes whether it lasts a few hours, days, or months. We need to be there and support each other, love each other even though maybe you parent differently or do things differently. Don’t be so quick to judge. Love, don’t judge. Support, don’t criticize.  We as moms need that more than anything else okay? If you see a mama struggling at the store, tell her she is doing great and you get it. Be there for her without judging her because I promise you, your hard days will come too and you will hope and pray that some mama will do the same for you. This post isn’t to have you feel bad for me, me thinking my life is harder than yours, or anything to that sort. It is just to say, if you are having a hard day, are frustrated, or even in a bad place emotionally and mentally, you aren’t alone and I understand. 

XX
dani