A few weeks after having Lettie I had to have an intervention. I was hiding in my room crying every day multiple times, I was at my wits end with so many people (especially King) for no reason at all, I was angry, frustrated, and not myself at all. I called my mom one day while crying in my room and said I need help, I need to talk to someone, have something done to figure out why I am so mad all the time, etc. She told me that she had been thinking that I had postpartum depression for a little bit and I told Zach and he agreed that he was concerned also. I called my midwifes office the next morning and explained the way I was feeling. I didn’t recognize it until that break down that day. I didn’t realize how unhappy and upset I was. They put me on some medication but I also knew I needed to change things for myself too. I needed to make sure that I was taking care of myself, not just in the sense of having a bath every night, a treat before bed, etc. I needed to truly make sure that I was eating healthy, exercising, getting rid of relationships/friendships that were toxic, etc. I needed to create a happy and healthy life for myself and that was something that medication couldn’t do.
I started on the medication and the same week I started working out. (I will write another post all about my workout program & eating). I was working out while my kids were awake and trying to manage it in the middle of the day. It wasn’t working out and I was getting frustrated with them while I was trying to better myself…it seemed so wrong. I re-evaluated and decided that I needed to wake up early. If you know me you know that I love my sleep…it is something that I look forward to every single day. I literally get in bed most nights and say “Oh I love bed.” Zach always laughs at me. I started waking up at 5:30 in the morning and exercising. I started with three days a week and then the following week did 5 days, then the next week I did 6 days. It felt so good to get up before my kids, do something that was improving my health and my mind, and to wake up to only myself awake and a quiet house as silly as that sounds.
A couple weeks of exercising every day I added something else to my routine. I started to read my scriptures every morning and to write down my goals as if they had already happened. (I got this idea from Merrick’s Art, you can read all about it here). Having the person that I want to be and am working for written down every single day has been amazing. It reminds me of the path that I want to be on and the things that I am striving for daily.
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I told Zach the other day that I think I have been battling depression and anxiety for a really long time… I don’t remember the last time I have been this happy. I don’t know if it started when my brother passed away in February, if it was already there before that and that triggered it more, or if it started after having Lettie. All I do know is that I finally feel back to myself. Yes I am still taking the medication, however I am changing my lifestyle and that is making a huge difference too so one day I can hopefully go off the medication.
If you are struggling please know you aren’t alone. It is hard. I thought it was just a “phase” I was going through with having a new baby… If you need someone to talk to I am here! Sometimes you just need to let everything out in a judgement free zone and I would love to be that for you. I promise that if you are feeling this way it will change your life to take the time to better yourself and your health. Even if you aren’t feeling this way know that these changes will make your life even happier and better!! Truly I am the happiest that I have been in a really long time and that truly is what is important.