SUNDAY’S MAKE ME BITTER.
skirt | tee | shoes | choker | watch | bracelet + here + here | king | button up | pants | bow tie | shoes
Oh Sunday’s… Sunday’s if I am being honest are one of my least favorite days of the week when they should be my absolute favorite. This post is going to be hard for me to write, but at the same time I know I need to share what I am feeling and hopefully help someone who may be feeling the same way…
Zach serves in a voluntary calling in our church (we are LDS or Mormons) that has him gone all day on Sunday’s and sitting up on the stand during church (he is also gone 2 nights a week serving but those nights aren’t as hard as Sunday’s). I sit alone, and I have for four years now. It hasn’t been too bad until I had King and trying to wrangle a stinker of a toddler by myself has had me going and leaving church bitter…
I know I shouldn’t be bitter but I am. I am bitter that so many people can see me struggling by myself and no one will help me, that my poor husband looks at me from the stand and can see that I need help but he can’t help me, bitter that I don’t feel the spirit any time during church and that should be my saving grace and the place I feel it most. Am I mad at my husband? No, never. I am mad at myself, yes, I am frustrated that I can’t keep it together. Upset that I can’t help myself feel the spirit as I’m wrangling a toddler who is throwing chewed fruit snacks at the people in front of us (let’s not talk about the matchbox cars, toys, and gabbing the girls shoes from under the bench). Frustrated that my husband will tell me about something that was said during sacrament in a talk and I couldn’t even pay attention to two words that were said…
People can see me struggling, they will tell me they remember how hard it was when they did it alone, but yet, no one will help me. They just watch from a distance as I leave church crying every week and can’t get through the rest of my meetings because I am so angry and bitter. Am I proud of any of this no, I for sure am not. Am I working hard to not be bitter, to go and do everything I can to feel the spirit and to leave with peace, yes, but it sure just isn’t working right now.
The other part of me is scared though, scared that our life isn’t easy right now and we have so many blessings from Zach’s service that I don’t know how we will make it without those… Scared that I am going to be told I haven’t been trying hard enough when I truly am giving it all that I have…
Church is hard, being a mom is hard, having a husband who is so full of service and giving is hard, but knowing how selfless he is isn’t hard, loving King more than anything isn’t hard either, but learning to love myself and giving myself grace, now that is hard.
I have promised myself, that when Zach no longer is serving in this calling and I see some other mom with her littles alone at church, I will go sit by her, I will take her dinner the nights she is eating alone with her littles, help her with bath time that is so hard to do time and time again alone, bring her treats, let her know that I know how hard it is and while everyone thanks her husband for serving, I am going to thank her too. She puts in just as much time as he does, and it may even be harder. I am going to hug her, let her cry in my arms if she needs to, and be there for her since no one was there for me.
I love this! But my heart so goes out to you! I often feel the same way. My husband was gone for 15 weeks on an internship in another state and that left me alone with a 3 year old and a 15 month old at church on Sundays. 3 longest hours of my life. But I promised myself I would go to church every single Sunday. And I did it. Somehow I made it through. But I was also bitter. No one helped, no one brought meals, no one offered to babysit, no one offered hugs, it was horrible! I was sad and went to bed crying, alone almost every night. I know that no one else has it together, and that it’s said that it doesn’t matter if you don’t learn anything, it’s the fact that you are even taking your kids to church that matters, but it sucks. It’s hard, it’s annoying, and it seems completely pointless. Relief Society was the WORST for me! I constantly felt judged and like I wasn’t even good enough to be in the same room with all these perfect mothers. Rexburg tends to home people who are perfect didn’t you know? Even with my husband back in town now it feels like the worst and hardest day of the week sometimes. I don’t want it to feel that way, but it does. Getting two kids dressed every Sunday morning, plus myself, plus packing their bags, no thank you. I’m exhausted before our 9am meeting! I know it will get easier someday, but that doesn’t help with the right now. That doesn’t help you get through sacrament meeting. You will be blessed, but it sucks in the meantime. I’m sorry that you feel so alone and sad at church. It’s the worst! If I were there I would so sit by you and I’m sure my now 4 year old and 21 month old would have a ball with King and we could just shrug our shoulders, shake our heads and pick up theirfruit snacks together. Sending prayers your way!
I feel you–my husband was put into the bishopric when I was pregnant, and when the baby came, I was left to wrangle with her alone for almost a year and a half before our ward got split and he was released. Basically, I would just make him take her during Sunday School and we would switch off during the 3rd hour (when the calling allowed). I’m not sure if in your situation you can do that, but I know it helped me to get at least something out of some of the meetings. (Although now that I think about it, your boy’s probably in nursery now, isn’t he? So the other hours probably aren’t the issue…)
I wish I had some insanely wise words of wisdom for you, but I don’t. All I can say is that I know it’s hard and that you probably joke around more than you should about how great it will be when he’s finally released from that calling (at least we did), but I am sure that you are receiving blessings for going, even if they’re not apparent in the moment. I know that for me, my husband’s calling in the bishopric left him an even better man and priesthood leader, which has been a huge blessing for us in our home.
Anyway, here’s hoping that you can feel some peace and stillness about this whole thing soon. You’re not alone!
What an important conversation!! You share very real emotions some of which I still struggle with even with four kids, some being older. Thanks for sharing, I love the raw feelings here, and I am proud of you for fighting that fight. Sundays are still my worst day so I am not the person to listen to. but in a way now I can look back and see my younger mom self struggling with babies (I still wrestle but I guess I am more used to it)sometimes alone, with people looking on as if they were judging. Three things I feel like space and age have taught me about what was going on back then 1-i thought my life was harder than theirs and they thought their lives were harder than mine with multiple children to take care of, juggling weighty callings, jobs, school drop offs and pick ups with multiple kids going multiple directions, mutual, activity days, or wayward teens, faith criseses, career struggles, marriage wounds. They weren’t helping me because their burdens felt monumental and staggering also. They had forgotten the sting of those early years and I honestly think they just didn’t realize I needed just a little but more love and fellowship than they assumed and 2- I learned (still learning) that the crucible of parenting and surviving are a part of what makes me capable of the burdens I carry today. Though I wish and wonder what it would have been like to have had all the help I needed and felt like screaming out for, I know that I couldn’t manage the roles and burdens I carry today without the “parenting muscles” I worked during those worst days of the early years and 3-most people are glad to help but they don’t see the struggle as painfully as you feel it. Fruit snacks on the back of the head are a little hilarious, a little annoying maybe but basically it still doesn’t always look to be as big of a struggle as it actually is for a mom. It’s great that you are reaching out, being honest with yourself, your friends and the ward. I hope you get the love and fellowship and support that you need and deserve! Or move and be my neighbor in CA, you can sit by me!! I miss watching your Periscopes, I’ve been away. But your spirit and love shine and I love your honesty. Sundays are THE WORST!! (No offense, 10 commandments)
Life is difficult at times and this is a difficult time for you. Sharing your feelings is a big step and I think it will help you and others. Sometimes people do not know that you want or need help unless you let them know. My husband was the one taking care of our two little ones in church most of the time because I was the church pianist/organist. and a Sunday School teacher. I do not know if he ever felt like you do because he never complained, but encouraged me to continue my volunteer service at church. I think if you will let others know that you would appreciate some help you will find others are willing to help you.